dcyd50e-c6f7af1e-fffb-4c42-9a2a-bbd1accfe05a

77a0ad88-8fbb-45ec-9aa8-d854970b935c

12/07/2020
do you still feel something for me ?,i still mean an existence for you ?, i feel that you forget and you move away from me so fast,
and i can not do anything. I feel so stupid because i love you.


11/08/2020
feel so empty, and i hate it, i hate all this, i have no more thoughts than wanting to end my existence.


23/09/2020
I DO NOT EXIST, I DO NOT EXIST, I DO NOT EXIST, I DO NOT EXIST, I DO NOT EXIST, MY EXISTENCE IS CONFUSED, WHO AM I ?, DO I EXIST? I DO NOT EXIST, I DO NOT EXIST, I DO NOT EXIST, I DO NOT EXIST, I DO NOT EXIST, MY EXISTENCE IS CONFUSED, WHO AM I ?, DO I EXIST? I DO NOT EXIST, I DO NOT EXIST, I DO NOT EXIST, I DO NOT EXIST, I DO NOT EXIST, MY EXISTENCE IS CONFUSED, WHO AM I ?, DO I EXIST? I DO NOT EXIST, I DO NOT EXIST, I DO NOT EXIST, I DO NOT EXIST, I DO NOT EXIST, MY EXISTENCE IS CONFUSED, WHO AM I ?, DO I EXIST? I DO NOT EXIST, I DO NOT EXIST, I DO NOT EXIST, I DO NOT EXIST, I DO NOT EXIST, MY EXISTENCE IS CONFUSED, WHO AM I ?, DO I EXIST?


11/12/2020
i feel so cold here, but it's always been fucked here, there's never anyone here, im cold in a past i live pretending to imitate the past, but it is nothing more than a desperate future for me, evading my reality with fantasy thoughts and living in a far world to my depressing and boring existence. but im already dying here, there are no feelings of wanting to live, my body does not respond, I lost everything that i considered important in my life, i suppose i always want to be alive, but it was all a lie, my life was good when i was innocent, when i did not know the hidden things, but time passes and i am stuck, waiting for my death and not wanting anything. Totally grossed out of this place.


28/10/2020
so don't try to revive me, in the hole of my soul i always wanted to disappear.



19/12/2020
you are narcissistic as shit. something that cant even support a child, why the hell did they want to have a child, is this the way they fuck a child? I hate them, i hate all the psychological abuse they do to me, how they don't take into account what i say as they only break my integrity and only draw my attention for negative things, like shit you can forget your son's birthday, there are 19 fucking days left and you don't even remember when i was born, i hate them. 6:00pm:im tired. i want to feel good being dead.


24/12/2020
What's wrong with me? What's wrong with me? What's so goddamn wrong with me? What's wrong with me? What's wrong with me? What's so goddamn wrong with me? What's wrong with me? What's wrong with me? What's so goddamn wrong with me? What's wrong with me? What's wrong with me? What's so goddamn wrong with me? What's wrong with me? What's wrong with me? What's so goddamn wrong with me? What's wrong with me? What's wrong with me? What's so goddamn wrong with me? What's wrong with me? What's wrong with me? What's so goddamn wrong with me? What's wrong with me? What's wrong with me? What's so goddamn wrong with me? What's wrong with me? What's wrong with me? What's so goddamn wrong with me? What's wrong with me? What's wrong with me? What's so goddamn wrong with me? What's wrong with me? What's wrong with me? What's so goddamn wrong with me? What's wrong with me? What's wrong with me? What's so goddamn wrong with me? What's wrong with me? What's wrong with me? What's so goddamn wrong with me? What's wrong with me? What's wrong with me? What's so goddamn wrong with me? What's wrong with me? What's wrong with me? What's so goddamn wrong with me? What's wrong with me? What's wrong with me? What's so goddamn wrong with me? What's wrong with me? What's wrong with me? What's so goddamn wrong with me? What's wrong with me? What's wrong with me? What's so goddamn wrong with me? What's wrong with me? What's wrong with me? What's so goddamn wrong with me?



31122020

im thinking about this year, about my future me, my past me and my present me, both so different, this year was fucked up, but not because of that sickness shit. it was fucked for my existence and emotional crises, new traumas, visual hallucinations, existential crises, accepting my self-suicide in a conscious way, believing that I am dead, heartbreak, etc. my mind and the sanity that existed disappeared, I cannot move, I cannot force a feeling, and yet it still hurts to know that I am not or do not share the "normal" characteristics of an existing and rational human being. I feel so consumed by a past, I was born to lose, I was born as a mistake, the dates will not fix my mental stability, 2020, 2021, 2022, what the fuck does it matter. Does everything disappear? I am aware of my pessimism and difficulty in doing things in a common way, a common behavior, an existence ---- NORMAL thoughts. but oh god .... sr cat, i'm not willing .. not scared to die. Well, hallucinations used to come in 2018 for sleeping badly, but now they always are. Anything that exists, I can look at something for 3 minutes and it will move and make faces, the curtains have feelings and faces from time to time. I am paranoid, I check everything when I feel that they observe me. I thought I needed love, I thought that would help him. and no, I was glad to think this was depression or my diagnosed anxiety, but it just got more screwed up. To think that it was a depression, surely it seemed better to me, I could overcome it with help, it could be someone, but my mind was screwed, there are no questions or reasons to subsist if I will live with it. he didn't need life.


04/01/2021

I feel devastated and saturated. suffocated in a way that my mind / physical existence cannot bear. as if every day of my birthday was a mental torture. nothing compares to what should be called the most personal and special day of a person, breaks his old, mature age, his loved ones congratulate him. I am not aware of that, I am not affected by that feeling of warmth and light. I'm lost in my eternal agonizing thought why ?, why is there nothing ?, why me ?. Since I lost everything, I lost hope, I lost the people I considered important, I learned about my reality and how my happy times were a simple lie and an innocent way of avoiding reality. nothing has a fixed meaning to me.the crudest way to die is for your mind to eat away at you day by day.


07/01/2021

sometimes feelings behave so weird. dreams are nightmares, and my mind can't bear to live that way. but there is no other way, the doors of heaven are closed for me, but who decides what is relatively positive or negative. Is there a barrier? In one way or another, we exist deliberately about what we think and do in a physical / mental way, but if that does not exist and we only wander physically with mental delusions.My hallucinations are fast, black things, shadows, paranoid, headaches so strong that they do not leave my body in peace, isolation, panic attacks, anger and sadness. my eternal desire to see my suicide, well ... a mental and physical death. everything stops, nothing exists, a possible limbo ... or who knows. When I think about suicide it is not depressing, maybe when I am sick, but it is the only thing that keeps me alive. I have no future plans, nor do I plan my life. I don't do anything with it, all the good times are over for me, I ceased to exist, my past self does not exist, I died. It's so crazy to think what a normal person does, and how I lack almost all of those qualities. good family, love, friendships, positivism, self love, couple love, friend love, good future, good memories, motivation, healthy mind, healthy body, that is boring because it is basic. all that feeling is just a ruin that will fall, I don't see the meaning of normal things any more than I see the meaning of everything that exists.


08/01/2021

This skin slowly fades and my light does not turn on, I am drawn to the same circle, my mother did not tell me anything about this. She just acts as if everything were normal, acting with others, did my father exist? He is not part of my memories Maybe in these times I am giving importance to the little things that I lost, my memories that I used to remember clearly are now confused and blurred. like my mind is slowly going down, neuron death ... yes, maybe. out of this system but dissatisfied. It feels so weird how I lost myself in my own existence.the moment I cease to be A. and I became a stranger myself, confused with his own identity. trying to decipher the dead existence of others, wanting to have existed on another plane, with vague memories and a cold heart. love depends on me, and he calls me. An eternal descent to the darkest of places awaits me, I will be in hell because I was not baptized, I was not desired, I was not educated in the conventional way. wishing I had been something better for my dead self, wishing I had not known what I knew, dying as another normal existence. Today I will be less rotten than tomorrow, and tomorrow I will be three times as rotten. welcome to the spectacle of pain, to my birth and my disgusting decadence. to be born someone and die a nobody.


11/01/2021

I want you to remember me I want him to remember that I existed. maybe he doesn't remember me, he doesn't think of me as I usually do. because I don't love him, but I miss him, or maybe he never existed. Sometimes I would like to be a child again, to be so innocent with nothing to lose, the feelings were a lie, but perhaps if my life had been different, perhaps another course, living in that old bubble, perhaps the destiny of my short existence would be another. I couldn't complain about love if I didn't know it, loneliness accompanies me but it was warm. when my loneliness ate my brain I screwed up, and the childhood traumas screwed me up more, the disease ruined my childhood, hospital and hospital, pills, physical problems, fattening, losing weight, my life was fucked at 7 years thanks to that stupid disease. It's complicated how I talk about love and my life at the same time. my brain wants to unleash and write everything at the same time. my brain is so uneven and ideas get mixed up. sometimes i just wanna grab a shotgun and blow my brains all over my room. Or stab my throat lose the sense of everything, disappear ... physically and mentally. just me and my death. I feel stupid reading my things, and more knowing that people read this. I hate every part of me, I hate my voice, I hate talking, I hate my thoughts, I hate what comes out of my mind and mouth, every time I say a fucking word or talk to my friends I feel like shit, deep in my soul I hate everything, everyone, and I feel like shit, I hate absolutely everyone, without exception. I hate everyone how I hate myself, I'm not my rival, I'm not anyone's rival, it's not even me against the world because I absolutely hate everything, I don't want to see myself as a fucking edgy or something like that. I just hate everything, it doesn't include society, but everything. the planet earth, the moon, the existence, the beliefs, the humanity, the money, the poverty, the reasoning, the feeling, the family, the friends, the brain, the human body, the buildings, the existential textures, the life basic, food, clothes, naked body, sex, virginity, everything. i only love music, death and some shit that can distract me and make me travel in my own world like avoid my existence. It is clear that my ideas change too much, sometimes I hate everything and sometimes I hate myself for being unable to be stable, not having love and existing in such a shitty world. in a rare time, somewhat complicated.
7 pm: No matter what I do, what I change, what I say, the past returns, an eternal circle of disappointments, all people betray me, I always end up alone ... everything I can build is slowly destroyed while life plays with my poor existence. .. I lose everyone, I lost everything I considered important, my happiness was destroyed, my friends were taken away, I lost my happy moments, and time only slowly buries my memories. why couldn't I be a happy human? I wanted to be something, I wanted to be happy, but everything mine was destroyed. my loneliness is stronger than my self. I needed love, and people used me, I feel ripped off, lonely and devastated. There are no more senses, I don't have a sense. I keep thinking about my memories, in my old past, in my childhood, as there is nothing, and my mind spends more my memories, I no longer remember anything, I only feel sad for losing my memories, my body slowly wears out, I am dying alone and with too much heaviness. If I don't finish this, my body will die anyway. Mom and Dad will continue make money, they will make me ashes and I never existed. I'll be forgotten by all the people I met the people I love are going to get over my death. Or maybe ... they don't even know im dead.me, i don't want people to think i'm a freak. I don't want to be treated differently for not feeling my best, I just want peace.sorry if these writings show a shitty part of me, this is just a memory. shit I can't stop writing here. I'm so lonely, I'm distancing myself from my bff, I'm sure he's getting bored with my existence in his life. The same jokes, the same things, he needs new people, and I honestly do not judge him, I am not going to do anything about it, it's okay, it's okay to get tired of me, I would be. my face has started to get small wounds and my lip has a small wound that I am biting. I'm so nervous, I just want to cry but I can't. My body contains it, I'm so fucked up my anxiety is growing and I have not followed the treatment for years. shit, suicidal thoughts again. please that. someone stop this.


12/01/2021

oh again dear me, I could say that my thoughts have mutated in this journal. I don't know, memories, thoughts, negativity, and yet everyone sees me as a cheerful and smiling young man, a bit immature and happy. I appear.You see, this is a weird time, weird feelings, I've been reading about various artists, actors, etc. who have committed suicide and their mysterious stories, their thoughts, their suicides ... it always surprises me. It feels so weird to think of something like "wow he died", but not in any way, but suicide. suicide intrigues me, and all feelings and reactions as well. notice, a human dies of natural causes and is just ... death, common and sad. but suicide, suicide is a rare act, as a human being comes to his own death and accepting all the facts and consequences. it's ... just weird, admirable, or despicable.but wherever you see it, it's weird. seeing their photos alive, their faces and knowing that they died in their own agony. they took that road, it feels empty and weird. I can't see the photos of a famous person who has committed suicide without feeling weird. but not in a dark way, but some kind of admiration or deep emptiness. knowing that they could be just masks, seeing them smiling, knowing that no one expected it but it happened.


14/01/2021

I'm so messy change too much, I'm so different from what I could be in 2019, that is. He was always a stranger, but when he changed schools (probably the second or third time), he wanted to be a new me, to be sociable even if my body doesn't want to, to be something different, to abandon everything that is mine, to be a junkie and to live well. I just came out with trauma, disappointed and more depressed than ever. But don't feel sorry, I'm not sad about losing those motherfuckers, I'm sad about my traumas and feeling dirty and stupid. I find myself lately in my worst physical and mental states, on a tight rope. In both ways I know that I will die, the help of people, both friends and acquaintances, does not serve me. I try that, I try to take into account their advice and help, but I can't, it just doesn't work for me. when i met love i felt good but still empty.my mind has changed, I am no longer interested in helping or receiving help, some miracle or just being happy. I do not care, I do not care about advice or messages of support, I do not care about your problems because I do not overcome mine and I do not plan to overcome them, I just want to die.He calls me every night and tells me I'll be dead, accept my death and I'm not scared. I don't wait for anyone and I don't trust anyone, I no longer care about losing my loved ones.I don't want my acquaintances to take pity on me, I'm tired and it's fine. I lived what I had to live, and you cannot force a human to exist if he does not want it. just to feel like saving him. I don't care if you share my thoughts, my end is getting closer every second, every minute, every hour and I can't be more satisfied.

77a0ad88-8fbb-45ec-9aa8-d854970b935c
f97b4ee0-ab7a-4b36-bdab-93b80f5aa03c